Decision.

I don't know who to turn to anymore, the more i seek for advise the more doubtful my choices are. Thank you for always being here for me, my old friend. I really don't know what to do anymore. To let go or to hang on. I truly love her, regardless of how stressful and how painful it is at times but i still love her no matter what. My friend, what am i suppose to do? I've told myself this.. A selfish man would hold on to what's dear to him but harm it at the same time, but a selfless man would let go on what's dear to him and harm him instead of it. My heart is telling me not to let go for i may regret but what if holding onto her is what is making me regret instead? We've been together for more than a year now and i've brought nothing but sadness to her. Nothing but lies and deceit, pain and agony, suffering and despair. Though she says i've given her joy and happiness but through what she has said earlier... I've sense no happiness. No joy. No love. I've given her nothing but i've gain everything. I've been a selfish man for a year and yet have not seen the truth till today. My friend... What must i do? To continue to be a selfish man i was, or be a selfless man and give up my everything? I need to decide but i dont know what to choose. Now all i can do is wait. Wait for a sign, telling me what to do. Wait for the inevitable. To stay or to leave. Thank you, my friend. For being my listening ear when no one is near. You've always been a good friend to me though we rarely spoke. I wish you could help me choose my decision but it seems this is a choice i have to make on my own. Thank you once again and goodbye, my old friend. Let us both see what time has to offer. What time will show us.

Emotions.

It's been so long, but i'm back here again. I guess i should have come to you when i needed someone to listen to me, can't believe i forgot bout you. My old friend.

Today, i did something i regretted. I got piss at her for being piss. I know i should be there for her and all, but i did, i tried to calm her down. I didn't want her to be piss, i want her to keep calm and ignore all the fucking remarks given by others. I really didn't mean to get piss. I think it's cause I'm mad at myself, for not being able to cheer her up when she needs me most. I just wish for once i could see her smile when i comfort her, but i guess it'll never happen. Never for once i made her smile after she's piss, she's would always get even more piss after i asked her to calm down but when i'm piss she get worried and all when i get even more piss. How bout me? Don't i get worried when you're piss? Sigh.. I know it's unfair, but i guess that's how it is. It's always been unfair to me, but... I guess i love her too much to even bother bout this, i know i don't like it but i wouldn't EVER want to bring this up. She'll never know how i really feel. Yes, i do love her a lot. And it's because i love her, i shall keep this in the dark. For love. For her. I shall never mention about any of this. It's for the best.

You're a special one.

I know we tend to fool around and you constantly feel that I'm playing around with your feeling, but.. I'm not. I really do love you. I've never in my life love someone so much with so much passion. Truly.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I never made an effort to be a better boyfriend to you, i neglected you at times and ignore what you needed most. But from today on, i will strive myself to be a better boyfriend to you. I would patient and understanding, I would sit down and listen and tend to your every needs, be there when you need me most and tell you everything's gonna be alright. I would do all those and more for you just to see your precious smile. That smile... A smile that cannot be compared to a thousand angels. A smile that i lovelier than the perfectly blossom rose. A smile so magnificent, it warms my heart each time i see it. That lovely smile, is worth being a better boyfriend to you. And i will be a better boyfriend.

Rychiaf, for all the mistakes i've done in the past. You really deserve none other than the best, and i'll be the best. For you.

Loving Two Lovers

Whoever said you can choose who to love is definitely wrong. Love comes and go like how the weather changes, you would never know who you'll love next just like you would never know when it'll rain. Right now... My heart has been split into two. I'm with someone right now and I've love her dearly, she is understanding and loving, beautiful and caring. There is nothing bad to say about her and i would never want to leave her. BUT. There is someone else.. Who is somewhat like her but maybe better, let's call the first girl, S and the second one B. Well... Long before I'm with S, i was in love with B but i did not tell her. I was neither very close to her cause i didn't want to show any affection and ruin the relationship we have as friends, yet my feelings for her grew stronger as i get to know her and i still conceal my feelings towards her due to the fact that i didn't want her to feel any awkwardness between us. And suddenly... S came along, she used to be with me but we broke up about a year ago and a few months ago we starting talking. I tried to use S to cover my feelings for B, so i keep talking to S more and more and try to grow feelings for her to suppress my feelings for B and it work. A few weeks ago me and S are together again. Then... Outta no where, me and B started becoming very close and i told her about my feelings for her, she told me she feels the same but i have no idea whether to believe or not. Regardless of the fact I'm with S, my feelings for B never died. I told B i regretted not showing my affection to her sooner. Though i'm madly in love with B right now i'll still treat S the same till we're apart yet again. B, i love you for you who are, and i would be honored if in the future and if fate shall allow us.. I would show you my love for you, and would tell you how much i really love you. S, i'm sorry. I still love you and would wanna be with you, but B has the bigger part of my heart, nothing will change between us and i would be with you for as long as i could. I love you.

Why am i feeling this?

I've been constantly feel that i'm alone, but i wonder why? I have friends, i have families, and i have someone to love.. But why do i still feel this pain inside of me? Why do i always feel the need to be loved? Why do i always feel so empty on the inside? I need to know.. I need to know what's been missing in my life right now. The constant feeling of being wanted and being yearned for. The sad emptiness inside of me never seems to be filled up with joy and laughter. Even when i smile, i still feel a pain of sadness within that joyous smile everyone sees. What am i missing? The pain inside is torturing and it's tearing me apart. Why do i feel so... So... So lost on the inside? Depression seems to be only thing that keeps me going yet killing me at the same time. Can i not be cured of this insanity? Will my nightmares one day stop haunting me? I guess only time will tell..

Nightmares

The night was beautiful that night, it was pure black. There was no stars, no moon, not a glimpse of light shinning from the black cloth covering the earth. On that night.. The wind was blowing gently on my skin, feel the cold air touching my skin as though a corpse was caressing my face with it frozen undead bones. The view was magnificent... No words could describe how amazing the view was. The cars were tiny, the people like ant, and the tress like weeds. Yes.. I on the top of a building roof, looking down at the barren road, staring into the magnificence of God's wondrous creations. My eyes start to shut tight, my palm putting close to my heart while feeling every single beat, and I lean forward, slowly. Inch by inch and slowly..... I felt the wind slowly tearing my skin away. I open my eyes and see the road moving closer and closer, then I realise... I was falling. Deeper and deeper into darkness. The only thought in my mind was nothing but HER. I accepted the truth that I was all over and that smile was my final smile to her. Tears flow down my eyes while I fall and all of a sudden... I woke up.

I woke up with tears on my eyes and sweat on my face. It was yet another dream bout her. A dream about seeing her for the last time. I thank god that it was just a dream but curse that i wish i was dead. I couldn't bear this pain, constantly one nightmares after another. And each time is about her. How I wish i could just end this pain and tell her everything that is on my mind. But... I have no choice. I have to keep it as my secret, till my deathbed. I just wish... I could see her in my dreams again, but not like this. Never like this...


((The original was posted on September 26, 2010. I re-posted due to my own reason)

Pain.Sorrow.Tears.

I just wish it would all go away. The pain the tears the sorrows. It's causing me nothing but sorrow. I might put my friends as my first priority and it's cause of one and one reason only. It's cause they understand me more than you do. Why so? Cause they asked and they get concern. What do you all do then? You all don't bother bout me and that's it. I don't want anything fancy, like a car or cash. All i want is your understanding and your concern. Nothing else... I just..... Want to know that you all are really my family and not just people i live with. I just want to know the my home is a place where I can feel safe and happy, and not just a place to sleep at night and be sheltered by rain or sun. I don't request for anything. Frankly, i don't ask much from you all. I've never asked anything from you all. So why are you people treating me this way? Sigh..